The Future

I can totally picture it.
An older me, with a cat, and a cozy house.
Sitting on my porch swing watching the sun set or working in the vegetable garden that I’d like to have one day.
Surrounded by peacefulness.
Maybe that’s my destiny.
To be alone….er, single rather. Because being alone is something entirely different.  
Since my divorce 3 years ago, I’ve rediscovered who I am.  
And maybe I am too much for one man to handle. Maybe I will always be intimidating, or too strong, or too stubborn, or too something.
But those are all things about myself that I have no desire to change. Those are some of the best parts of who I am!
Maybe I am destined to be single.
Maybe I can truly be happy and peaceful with a life full of things that I love.

Just So You Know

Just so you know, I will never be able to give you my heart.
I won't hug you, or cuddle with you. I'll never look up at you with
adoring eyes. If I feel that I start to like you too much I'm gonna
back off.
I will go out with you, and laugh, and smile. I'll conversate, but
only on superficial topics. But I will never fully show you who I am.
My heart is still wounded. It is still healing.
And mostly, it still belongs to someone else.

What??

Why are there so many songs about men saving us? What’s even sadder is that for so long I could relate. I sat around thinking “if only”.  But why the fuck do I need someone to save me?   I had to learn to save myself. 

I’m still learning.

Tonight

It's times like this when I'm sitting in my kitchen, talking to my cat, and eating cheese straight from the fridge that I truly appreciate my independence. 

Er, loneliness... whatever they're calling it these days.

You.

I sat on my porch swing with a glass of wine tonight. And I didn’t even think of you.

I adopted two cats from a shelter.  Indoor cats like you said we could never have. And I didn’t think of you.

I wake up each morning, brush my teeth, go to work, busy myself with stuff. And still don't think of you.

Then one song on the radio, the empty space next to me at night, or the disappointing guy that I ended up on a date with, and suddenly all I can think about is you.

The CD

It started out as a thoughtful gift.  Something I thought we’d cherish together for years to come. We’d listen to the songs and reminisce about how our relationship blossomed; sharing the memory behind each song.

Then you changed everything. With one quick & fool hearty decision you ended what we had.

But I still wanted to make the CD.  I became focused on finishing that one task so that I could send it to you, and you’d have my token.  My token of affection, of love, of cherished memories.  Sent to you in a manila envelope complete with a handwritten note saying "I hope you think of me and our love when you listen".  I even added a few "goodbye" songs that had somehow became ours through post break up conversations.  

I pictured you listening to it, hoped that you would.  Hoped that you would remember what you suddenly seemed to have forgotten: How much we loved each other.

I made a copy for myself.  I can’t bear to listen to some of the songs.  And others just haunt me.  Little did I know when the idea for the CD started in my mind that it would come to fruition only to end up being the soundtrack to my sadness.  The songs play in my head like background noise becoming a dull ache that I can’t seem to get rid of.  You texted to say that you miss me, you were listening to the CD and thinking of me.  You’d also been drinking.

I never wanted it to turn out this way.  I wanted the CD to be special for the happiness it represented.  Now it’s just a heartbreaking reminder of what was and maybe could have been.

Maybe I should just burn the stupid CD.